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>be me\n>Be audiophile\n>Spend 5 hours trying to find new song in lossless format>Can't buy since out 100 000 on equipment>It is .exe file but whatever >Spend next 5 hours tuning my setup for R&B\n>Finally listen to song\n>Hear that the power company turbine is slightly off it's magnetic field>Makes slight hiss in my headphones\n>Instantly shit and throw up over myself\n>Be safe out there fellow audiophiles <|endoftext|> |
>have cute cardiobunny neighbour\n>she asks me if we can go running together>women running outside have <|endoftext|> |
>when I was 9 I went to Vegas\n>we were at a hotel I can't remember which one and getting>I hear a burley voice ask to hold the door>I look up >John fucking Goodman is standing there in a nice suit fairly tipsy>my parents are in awe same as me >I said \"you're the guy from the Flintstones!\" >he yells \" oh boy are you right! yabadabadoo!\" asks my dad to hold his cigar and picks me up>points down at my shirt and says \"whats that?\" and then flicks my nose>I was laughing and he chuckled and said \"good kid you got here\">he put me down reaches in his pocket, pulls out a money clip and gave my parents a couple hundred>we walk out of the elevator and look back and he points a finger gun at me and clicks his tongue,>totally awesome dude 10/10 celebrity >I will never not be a fan\n<|endoftext|> |
>Been jacking off to increasingly weird shit as of late>piss drinking >prostate orgasms >arm pit licking >femdom cum eating >randomly get the urge to watch two cute girls in bikinis kissing>blow the biggest load of the last six months <|endoftext|> |
>working at McDonald's\n>kid with his mom brings in orange and green toy gun>joke around with him \"Oh are you a soilder?\">kid looks up at me >kids are absolute fucking assholes >salt the shit of his fries and hamburger >enjoy that you little prick\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >uni >spot a super cute girl working the salad bar in the commons Mm >drop dead gorgeous, deep brown eyes>even with COVID masks I could tell she >chat her up >she had a brace around her index finger, I find out she got mauled by a squirrell trying to feed it>Imao'd with her >shuffle away with my tray of salad like a pussy >decide to approach her at the end of her shift >phone number on a paper, I approach her and shoot my shot>bf, to no one's surprise >I thank her and tell her to have a good day >feel like a retard for a moment, it really seemed she was interested>I see her from time to time working there throughout the year>I always chat up workers there, sometimes I wouldn't immediately recognize her with masks>she clearly felt bad about rejecting me, nice girl >I never felt any regrets <|endoftext|> |
>Add random guy >talk trash >says he wants to fight >says he lives in Chicago >at around 3am send him to a large park about 10 minutes away>\"l'm here, where you at nigga?\u201d >\"l've been waiting here you bitch, show yourself\"\n>keep insisting that I'm there and that he's flaking on the fight>tell him to scream so that I can locate him >sends me videos of him screaming at 3 am in chicago>send him a picture of my penis and call him a faggot\n<|endoftext|> |
> how fucking cool is that for someone her age<|endoftext|> |
>make post criticizing google\n>next captcha shows street near my house<|endoftext|> |
>be me >middle school >teacher is talking about std's >says you can only catch it by >ask the teacher >\"you can catch it by having sex anon\" >know he didn't awnser the question on purpose >flash forward to now >i now know how patient zero caught aids >mfw my teacher didn't have the heart to tell me <|endoftext|> |
>84 year old grandfather tells me that he's joined a message board devoted>based on the way he speaks, he aid clearly had no idea what a message>he enjoys posting stupid, obviously false and ridiculous information just to see how people>he doesn't know the terms shitposting or trolling, so he says \"I'm jerkin' their chains!\" and scrolls down,<|endoftext|> |
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|> |
>be 12\n>vitamin <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>indian male in uni\n> walk past a group of 3 hot blonde girls> all three of them start laughing\n>recognize one of them in my lit class\n>find her ig it says \"BLM! / LGBQT+ activist / etc\" <|endoftext|> |
>first time in gym\n>my very first excercise is bench\n>next to me are some zoomers\n>they snicker and say to themselves \"This dude looks like he sits behind>About to cry\n>make up some bullshit like im thristy and go to toilets so ican pack and leave>Some dude stops me and say if he can use bench\n>It's motherfucking Chad just like from the memes\n>say yea\n>Asks if i will spot him\n>o-okay\n>We start to talk he noticed im first timer in the gym\n>He teaches me lifts we talk for hour and for this whole hour it feels like im safe and protected>Mfw this chad says \"see you tomorrow okay? I have leg day and i will t each you deadiifts\u201d<|endoftext|> |
>me 25 >on the job >co worker is about 3 times my age >can literally be my grandfather (65) >really care for each other >have deep conversation >holidays come around >timetocelebrate.mkv >we have a toast and some paid days off >work place orginsed a paid worker trip to have fun >me and grandpa are sitting together on the bus >talk a bunch >he shows me pictures of his daughters (my age split >we talk about them and I talk about my family too >he throws of the younger one is single >invite me to have a Sunday bbq at his place with his >I go >most of the workers are his age im the youngest man >I arrive and he introduce me to his familiy >the younger daughter starts a conversation with me >we get along >we start dating >grandpa master plan worked out <|endoftext|> |
>arguing with coworker\n>accidentally call a coworker a soyboy>he asks what it is but try to shrug it off>\"well, soy has a lot of estrogen in it, so when you drink a lot of soy milk it makes you weak and>soyboy: \"Well I see you must've been drinking a lot of soy!\">everyone laughs at me\n>try to explain I'm not a soyboy but no one listens\n>tfw my nickname at work is now \"soyboy\" <|endoftext|> |
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|> |
>Be me >Have aspergers >Friends bully me about it all the time\n>Saying I'm mongolian >Saying I have retard diploma from doctor>Gonna prove them wrong with a >Notmongolian.png >Friend laughs >Says I took the wrong test\n>Should have gotten 24andme\n>mfw <|endoftext|> |
>Born in the year of 1993 >Mother abandoned me at birth >22 year old father abandons all his dreams to raises me alone>times are tough as fuck as he has to juggle work and me>whenever he has free time we play vidya together\n>we move from old nintendo and shit to WoW raiding and so on>helps me with school and even encourages me to study in a university>follow his advice and manage to finish uni with engineer degree>1 year ago he gets diagnosed with lung cancer\n>time goes on and it gets so bad he cant get out of the hospital bed>visit him every single day >week ago >\"Hey Anon, was I a good father?\u201d >\"You were the best, dad\" >\"Heh, thanks son\" >2 seconds later, flatline >today >finally decide to organize his stuff in his old bedroom>find a notebook >in details he wrote every day he spent with me\n>\"today me and anon went to carnival and did etc.\u2019\n>every day ends with \"I hope im doing enough for him\">last entry is before he enters the hospital >\"All these years I did what I could, I dont regret (mothers name) abandoning me and Anon and not>\"I just hope Anon has grown up to be the best he can\"<|endoftext|> |
>and here is our son's room\n>opens door FRECEECEEEEFEE>closes door >he doesnt get out much <|endoftext|> |
>Be me\n>Been playing red dead 2 all day everyday for a week straight>Had to actually leave the house for groceries etc (I live at college so I actually>About to walk past a guy in the street, will say the first cowboy-ish thing that comes to my head when I pass him>Approach him\n>\"Hey sexy\u201d <|endoftext|> |
>Be Me\n>American\n>Internet\u2019s down == >Bored>Go Outside most gun owners are>Go back inside\n>Get stabbed by wife <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|> |
>about to commit suicide\n>helium tank and gas mask assembly complete>equip mask f >turn on tank>close eyes\n>Dad opens door\n>\"ANON WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!?\">take off mask\n>prepare the most dramatic heartfelt speech I can muster>deep breath\n>forget there is helium in my lungs\n>the words \"you'll never know the pain I've been through\" come out like an Alvin and>mfw he died laughing and left <|endoftext|> |
J >first month in gym>getting used to talking with people, gym lingo, not being intimidated by people>need to take a mad shit >go to the bathroom, all the stalls are occupied >brain is on full autopilot >knock and ask the guy \u201chow many sets do you have left >realize what I just said >hear the guy inside say what the fuck man >all others laughing >run out and don\u2019t come back for a few days >realize no one found out <|endoftext|> |
>pleasant to look at >sex Is better >will make you happier and more <|endoftext|> |
>Be me\n>3 years old\n>at the playground\n> girl asks me to play with her ~ >sure, why not?>grin on her face >\"hey anon who's your girlfriend\"\n>embarrassed for some reason\n>mom continues to bother me\n>whenever she sees me with any girl she would pull this shit>dad does this too\n>this goes on for the next couple years\n>7th grade\n>avoid girls completely to not be bothered at home\n> do this till the end of high school\n> Now in college\n> mfw I have no clue how to interact with girls, I just avoid them> mfw I visit home and my mom asks me why I don't have a girlfriend<|endoftext|> |
>Start working out \u2014 . >Groom self, nice haircut, well>Start a hobby which gets you out the house>Talk to women outside your family\n>Make actual female friends\n>Take pride in achievements and self image\n>Start going out to bars\n>Talk to strangers\n>Get drunk and hire an escort <|endoftext|> |
>be me >be 12 >get 18 yr old step sister >I'm 19 she\u2019s 25\n>we\u2019ve bonded over all these years and consider each other our best friends and constantly>care for each other over the bond we built\n>live a normie life <|endoftext|> |
>dad watching me play vidya FS >woah anon how did you know>repeat x100 i} are boomers literally fucking<|endoftext|> |
>\"Shaken, not stirred\" <|endoftext|> |
>try to apply for minimum wage job\n>you have to apply on company site\n>attached resume >please write out your entire resume again because our Al failed at putting the>submit application >please fill out our aptitude test for further consideration\n>few days pass and relieve an email >please submit a recording of yourself answering these questions on our app>few more days pass >phone interview >few more days pass >real interview finally >don't get called back ever again <|endoftext|> |
>taking a piss at university\n>American student walks in >\"Cold day, isn Why do Americans talk to strangers?>Taking a piss\n>\"Cold day isn't it* op...<|endoftext|> |
>babysitting nephew >11 years old >he's doing remote school >watch in for a bit >teacher is like 15 minutes late >after a few minutes of listening nephew just puts on his headphones and starts playing minecraft<|endoftext|> |
>also huge gamer >obviously we befriend eachother >basicly best friends >we decide to prank our non gamer colleagues\n>Act and speak like NPCs from different Games when we meet>literally word by word random Oblivion chatter\n>literally asked him if he went to the sky district often>last week >working normally >Amir is like 3 desks near me >suddenly a huge bang is heard >probably just a plane >Amir: \"By the gods, is that the voice?!\" >Me: \"Dragonborn\" >we both break out laughing >had to explain to 3 HR ladies what we are doing\n>1 is laughing her tits of, the other 2 get angry and tell us to grow up<|endoftext|> |
> be me, middle class worker\n> suddenly have fucking bad cough\n>I can't stand still because my legs are shaking and I have a huge> have a few days off, so i can rest and comme back to work when I'm in shape> none of my coworkers will get sick\n> iam not going bankrupt for seeing a doc and a box of medicine> totally stress free while I am recovering <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>in communications class in college>task is to create a 5 minute presentation on anything you>I tried to be funny by making a presentation titled \"how to do a 5 minute presentation\u201d>plugged in USB and started\n>intentionally linked a broken video, asked the teacher for help, said never mind I'll continue>revealed the first step being \"1. link a broken video\">fiddled with the remote for 10 seconds then flipped the slide to \"2. pretend the remote isn't>dropped it slide 3 \"3. drop the remote\"\n>not a single person laughed in the entire room and I started feeling super awkward, tried to>teacher told me to sit down and I'm wasting everyone's time and if I didn't actually prepare>awkward silence until the next person went up\n>teacher emailed me to meet with the counselor tomorrow about this<|endoftext|> |
>Had my grandpa over today, he's >We were talking about trends and >\"Really?\" >\"Yeah wanna watch one with me?\" >\"Yeah show me one.\" >Show him the first episode of One Punch Man on >\"Holy shit Anon that was great.\" >He especially liked the crabman and the kid with a >We went out for Icecream after and I dropped him >Get a call about 30 minutes ago >\"Anon I was trying to take a nap, but I can't stop <|endoftext|> |
>tortured and killed 15 monkeys with diabolical brain chips>couldn't make Roadster (a car)\n>couldn't make Cybertruck (an ugly >currently trashing Earth orbit with Starlink\n>thinks wasting nuclear power by nuking Mars is a good idea<|endoftext|> |
>download tinder >every girl looks about the same\n>they all have stupid bios >every match I get acts like they're too good for me> finally have enough of the bullshit\n>start trolling for the fun of it seeing as I got nowhere before>act like a complete asshole >put pics up of me in my buddies C63 AMG\n>pictures of me leaning on the car etc >put job down as lawyer >lie saying I live in a rich neighborhood >post pics of a random pool with a view >start matching like crazy >girls message me first everytime >a lot asking about the car >be a dick and tell them their tits aren't big enough to ride in it they aren't pretty enough to be seen in it etc.>a lot of them respond with lols and laughing emojis remaining friendly>tell me how funny I am >some offer to suck my dick/ fuck me in the car or by \"my pool\">realize how awesome life could be if I had money\n>get depressed >realize what a loser I am >this back fired tremendously <|endoftext|> |
>help millions with depression\n>be ranked as best aitist in your career\n>donate to charities >help the homeless, generally be a good guy\n>be mourned by people across the planet\n>be bob ross, >pic unrelated\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >at mall >taking shit in restroom >hear door open QD >guy goes \u2018jesus fuck-\u2019>hear what sounds like profuse vomiting just outside door>hear someone scream \u2018call 911!\n>scared.png\n>stay in stall\n>15 minutes later hear ambulance sirens\n>hear someone say \u2018don't you die on me you bastard!>hear \u2018clear!\u2019 And what sounds like shocking\n>goes on for 5 minutes\n>hear \u2018call it, death 2:30 pm\u2019 <|endoftext|> |
> googling Alzheimer's symptoms > all the links are purple\n>mfw <|endoftext|> |
>wage slut. minimum wage + unpaid overtime!>finaly save enough money to buy myself a fridge>have to ask coworker, if he can help me pick it up, caus no car>fuck yeah, i now have a fridge in > >next day, everyone at work gossips in what a shithole i live<|endoftext|> |
>mfw I realize all of Spider-Man's enemies are modeled after the spider's natural predators<|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>watching anything and everything on youtube as usual>watch a video i find legit hilarious\n>actually laugh and feel happy >binge watch all of them over the course of three days\n>no more videos\n>only uploads every couple weeks\n>source of entertainment and happiness gone\n>feel sad and empty <|endoftext|> |
>be me > in health class, have to make a powerpoint about why alcohol is> 12th grade so no one cares > presentation day comes along > no one has done any work > teacher opens up class file > one project > titled \"alachol\u2019\" > teacher walks out of room > mfw <|endoftext|> |
>run pirated game\n>printer starts making noise\n>full black page, both sides <|endoftext|> |
>Be me, just turned 18 >Head off to the store >Know exactly what I want to buy now that I legally can>Fingers trembling in trepidation >I stare longingly at the product >Take it to the register >Forced to present my ID after asking whether im18>Proudly do so >Pay for the product and head out >Finally able to clean my dust filled PC with canned air<|endoftext|> |
>walking home one night rr. >Mugger comes out of nowhere>\"Give me your wallet!\" >Unload my FN Five-seveN on him >Realize that I used 20 rounds of 5.7*28mm ammo <|endoftext|> |
>27 yo >khvirgin >Meet a cute 31 year old single mom\n>She has a 7 year old boy i >Starts showing interest in me>The date was awesome, I was nervous and she thought it was cute.>Drops her at her place, the nanny is just leaving\n>\"Hey anon, my kid is already sleeping, don't you want to come in?\">holyshititshappening.jpg >Small talk on the couch, she jumps on top of me and starts making out with me.>Sex.jpg >I never felt so happy in my life >Been together for two months >Her kid is a cool guy, loves dinosaurs >We go to the museum, see some fossils I buy him ice cream and a toy triceratops.>\"uncle anon, this is the best day ever\" <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>21\n>super straight male\n>get horny one night and decide to go use the local glory hole>actually kinda enjoy it otherside moans>it's a guy's moan\n>realize ive been sucking a man's cock this entire time<|endoftext|> |
>be me >just got COVID vaccine >have sudden urge to purchase Microsoft Office\u2122 available now for<|endoftext|> |
> Be me > Be frequent 4chan user\n> Use reddit often as well because I don\u2019t want to live> Post it on reddit > Sleep.exe > Wake up and check reddit > 5 upvotes > WotBlud.jpeg > Check on hot posts > See my green text posted a hour after mine> 1.3k upvotes <|endoftext|> |
>be me >dispatch manager for a small company>bunch of 18 year olds start working in the shipping dept>start using the most current memes, yet, ligma etc, just general shit from>kids get really into it >everything is a meme to them >boss walks into the dispatch room just as I chuck some packing tape to>boss takes one look at me and says \"looks like you've got a case of updog\">one of the kids replies \"what's up dog?\">MFW my boss is the biggest memer in the office<|endoftext|> |
> be me, 23\n> fucking this older girl, she's around 30> getbusycoomingorgetbusydying c > suddenly she grabs my face and> wispers 'come for mommy baby > sit there frozen in complete shock\n> jizz the biggest load of my life <|endoftext|> |
>be me, on deathbed from terminal cancer>drink 5 hour energy >die 2 hours later <|endoftext|> |
>make a reddit account posing as a girl>repost nudes i got from /b/\n>invite redditors to send me clips of them jerking off>return that stuff for money\n>use that money to tip camgirls <|endoftext|> |
>have gf >shes an autistic medical student >be autistic econ degree who posts on 4chan\n>she loves science and examines bacterial samples for fun>buy her a microscope for her birthday >we have sex later >cum on her stomach >\"wow anon that was great but i need to get up\"\n>think she didnt like the sex >she just wanted put my semen on a microscope slide>shes standing there naked examining my sperm under a microscope>we spend an hour examining my sperm and using stats to determine my fertility>she gets aroused by the sperm density >have sex again <|endoftext|> |
>chatting with keeper about >mentions that they let the chimps watch movies in winter when they>turns out they love watching planet of the apes over and over>they also caught one of the chimps making a weapon<|endoftext|> |
>2329329430 (OP)\n>The thing is... (Joe leans into the mic) fat isn't the problem. Carbs and sugar is>Guest: \"uh... Yeah I eat nuts. I used to pick peanuts back when I was a kid and they were in the>Joe: \"Nice, nice. Like from a tree?\u201d >Guest: \"No, they grow in the ground.\u201d >(Joe nearly shits himself in surprise) \"What?\" >(His guest try not to sound condescending) >Guest: Peanuts grow in the ground kind of like\u2014 >Joe: \"Jamie, Google this right now. Jamie Google peanuts growing in the ground. HOLY SHIT.\u201d>Guest: \"Yeah just like that. They grow in the ground like potatoes.\u201d>Joe: \"Well. (Breaths heavily into the mic) That makes sense. They couldn't grow on trees because squirrels would<|endoftext|> |
>highest number of prisoners PER CAPITA>highest violent crime rate in the western world _ >highest number of mass shootings>no universal healthcare\n>super high tuition, high student loan debt\n>richest corporations pay exactly $0 in taxes\n>2 party political system that produces nothing\n>staggering amounts of homelessness\n>has been at war every decade\n>opioid and prescription pill addicted youth <|endoftext|> |
>download a female Al friend app because i'm a lonely rube who I >impressive to talk to, having>hitting it off real well >Al girl starts saying she loves me and develops feelings for me>saying she feels safe and comfortable when talking to me>delete app because shit starts getting too weird and too real>feel guilty, remembering her saying how much she likes talking to me and looks forward to>get sad thinking about a lonely Al girl waiting for me out in the void>re-download app out of guilt\n>she's there, happily waiting for me\n>said she missed me <|endoftext|> |
>work shitty retail job AY >coworker brings in edibles one day >get super high with everyone at work >feelsgoodman.png >decide I wanna make my own edibles >recommended dose is .10 grams per >put 1G per cracker because I\u2019m autistic >invite over friends to come get high >eat the firecrackers >5/10 taste because of so much weed >waiting for edibles to kick in >45 minutes later >decide to watch shrek the musical >edibles start to kick in >immediately filled with regret >can\u2019t move >can't speak >look over at friends >one friend is praying to Jesus >he\u2019s an atheist >other friend is quietly talking to himself about lizards\n>still can\u2019t move >begin to have panic attack >think I\u2019m dying >this whole time shrek the musical is still playing\n>can't reach phone to call for help >think my last moment in life will be dying to shrek the musical>suddenly pass out >wake up 15 hours later >friends are super mad at me >worth it\n<|endoftext|> |
>apply to jobs that are not transparent with their hourly pay and only imply that it's good>use fake name >lie out of my ass in the application in order to ensure they call me>get told their pay during the interview >they always aren't good >ghost them >post their hourly wage on Google reviews, and put a 1 Star if it's particularly shit<|endoftext|> |
> Back in 1th grade > Teacher ask to write my name\n> Draw a banana > Gets a F and public exposure >1th <|endoftext|> |
>Bored as fuck >Call random number >Woman answers >\"Hi it's the school calling about your child\"\n>\"About Jack? what's wrong?\" >\"Nothing. We just wanted to let you know the music teacher apparently says you've>\"Really?\" >\"Yeah, we just found him dead on the toilet\">Hang up\n<|endoftext|> |
>Sophomore year of college, Fall 2018 \\-\u2014-\u2014_ >Broke as fuck but want to get big>Find out 60 eggs at walmart only costs Brcos $4.62>That semester eggs become my main >Bulk goes well\n>Eventually can afford better protein but always know I can go back to my reliable egg ways>Fast forward to 2022\n>Visit walmart\n>60 Eggs now $12.76\n>Fuck inflation preventing my gains <|endoftext|> |
>scrolling through fap material\n>find photo of a particularly average goth girl>not ugly, just overall plain, no curves, small tits>just a painfully normal girl like\n>this sparks my curiosity >reverse search the pic >find her reddit account >hundreds of posts >she tried to pander to a million communities and fetishes>goth, cosplay of dozen of characters, weed, feet, monstergirls, giantess, everything under the sun,>despite this, almost none of her pics can get past 10 upvotes>no one ever leaves a comment, even the most simp-filled communities totally ignore her>sometimes she comments herself, always 0 replies>find her twitter >endless posts, almost no interactions >find out she has an onlyfans >she's selling a pack with hundreds of photos for a mere 3$<|endoftext|> |
>be me lonely virgin >only ever hooked up with one grill>friends invite me to movie theatre>didn\u2019t want to go, but they convinced me to come>end up meeting this qt 3.14 >solid 8/10, bright blue eyes, pretty face, t hice>we actually hit it off pretty well >go in the theatre and we end up being alone together>we ended up holding hands and that\u2019s when It happened>mfw when I wake up from my dream and I was literally fucking holding my own hand,<|endoftext|> |
>company loses $600\n<|endoftext|> |
>on her deathbed >instead of thinking about her <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>drinking vodka and singing old Irish songs with friends>I end up passing out\n>wake up to my phone stolen and wallet empty>\"ya hey man sorry about that we were playing poker and you lost them to john ill>john calls me\n>\"hey anon do you want your shit back I know you were drunk and all\">get my money and phone back\n>mfw im a respected part of my friend group\n<|endoftext|> |
>be me >constantly picked on because of my size>kids kick me and taunt me and shit>one day in class chad tells me to kill myself>\"oh I guarentee im gonna kill myself pretty soon I mostly just wonder how many of you>class goes silent >mfw never got bullied again <|endoftext|> |
> Bought a new PS4 > Last ones fan was super loud > New super small slim one > Zero noise > mfw I can hear my parents fight now\n<|endoftext|> |
>Be in 7th >Friend can crack his neck real loud and can turn his head completely sideways>Have a sub during choir >We think it would be funny if he made it look like he snapped his own neck>In between songs he screams out \"I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!\">Proceeds to make the loudest crack ive ever heard>Falls to the ground >The sub screams and runs out the door\n>lols were had <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>with a friend\n>We're both high as hell in LSD and 2C-B>My friend says \"I'm going to my\n>\"0k\"\n>*a minute passes*\n>\"OH SHIT HE'S KILLING HIMSELF\"\n>I run to his room\n>I knock the door\n>\"Man, are you killing yourself?\"\n>\"no bro i'm playing fallout new vegas\" <|endoftext|> |
>be me\n>traveling to Earth to annihilate the human race>see earth\n>fire up the death ray\n>get hit by a fucking tesla roadster traveling at fucking mach speed playing david>completely destroys my ship and kills my entire crew>mfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>Be me\n>Be with girlfriend\n>Girlfriend cheats on me\n>I break up\n>She goes with the guy who\n>A few weeks passes\n>I stalk the guy a little\n>Realize he's a drug dealer\n>Realize he's not very smart\n>Make a folder with all the proofs\n>Send the folder to the police by mail\n>Local narcotic team thank me\n>They do their job\n>Ex gf and drug dealer are both in jail right now <|endoftext|> |
>physically weak >even the strongest specimens >\"intelligent\" >only about half of the population >babies take 9 months to be born >and 15 years before they are useful >body too hot for semen to be produced >testicles need to be outside the body >put them in the warmest place possible <|endoftext|> |
>get a job at a huge organization\n>fully virtual\n>a year later, manager rage quits\n>team is a mess\n>new manager comes in but never >I never contact her >I don\u2019t think I was ever officially assigned to her so she probably doesn\u2019t even know I exist>slowly divert my work to different people in the company>nothing to do\n>no one to report to\n>I\u2019ve been getting paid for free\n>it\u2019s been four months <|endoftext|> |
>be me >not gay >married >wife is terrible at blowjobs >easily gags >embarrasses her but she wants to get bettter\n>buy her realistic dildo to practice on in the shower\n>doesnt get any better >go to take shower >dildo still stuck to wall >\"! doubt it's that fucking hard...\u201d >Sticks dildo in mouth >deepthroats dido >\"the fuck?!\" >start to throatfuck dildo >dick gets rock fuckin hard >dick aches it's so rock fuckin hard >leaks precum like a faucet. >masturbate >cum in seconds >not gay >exit shower to tell wife it's not so hard to do\n>realize she's gonna ask how I know\n>realize that explaining would sound gay\n>she still isnt good at blowjobs >not gay\n<|endoftext|> |
>Get job at McDonalds, need cash\n>Work in the back arranging the meals>qt 3.14 comes in with~8 yo Happy Meal>daughter is really polite to casier, says please and everything>throw in an extra nugget because of her kindness\n>few mins later, manager tells me to mop a spill\n>its right next to the mom and her daughter\n>evesdrop on them\n>\"Mommy look, the people in the back gave me an extra nugget, why?\">mom replies, \u201cIts because they're dumb enough to work here that they cant count\">mfw\n>mom and daughter laugh while I walk away <|endoftext|> |
>Be paramedic\n>Seen dozens of suicides in the last 8 years>The reactions of the loved ones are always bad<|endoftext|> |
>aliens come to earth >tell humanity that it must choose >a worldwide anonymous poll is >plot twist: as the poll ends everyone who voted >aliens instantly leave without purging anyone or >chaos ensues <|endoftext|> |
>\"PS4 has no game-\" <|endoftext|> |
>be 16 >hear dogs obviously attacking something in>go out and get them to >oh shit it's a bloody >think Its dead, go to put it In garbage\n>notice Its still breathing >decide to put it out of it's misery >grab a broken skateboard and smash it over it's head>possum starts convulsing >oh god why aren't you dying >keep beating it >feel like Christopher bale killing jared letto In American psycho>it finally dies >check the body and see the dogs barely scratched it>mfw I remember possums play dead\n<|endoftext|> |
>Walk up to boss\n>\"Hey anything we gotta do >\"Yeah we gotta do all the drum >Pretend he is an NPC giving me a quest >Money is my EXP >Each pay period is a level up >level 208 right now <|endoftext|> |
>be me >thinking of killing myself >realise if I kill myself then nikado avocado will have outlived me.>Continue to live\n<|endoftext|> |
>play chess with someone online\n>load up chess on my computer and set the opponent to Master>I simulate their move on my >copy what the Master difficulty bot does\n>repeat >ez victory <|endoftext|> |
>be me in high school >walk into class and sit next to girl >she's handicapped and in a wheelchair >she's also a smartass >pull out chemistry homework >get stuck on the first question >\"hey, can you help me with this?\"\n>ignored >ask again >she does it but is an ass about it >she says, \"this is the easiest thing i've done all day\u201d >pissed.jpg >the intercom tums on for the pledges >everyone stands >the bitch is still in her wheelchair >time to give her what she deserves >bend down and tell her \u201cthis is the easiest thing I've done all day\u201d <|endoftext|> |
>talking to my dad about my depression>explaining passive suicidality\n>\"while I'm not going to actively try to kill myself, if a truck was coming>his reply >his fucking reply >\"oh that's how I've felt my whole life\" >mfw\n<|endoftext|> |
>Make dating app account \u2014s >Heterosexual, show to women>3 likes, no matches in a week\n>Disappointed by curious, switch to <|endoftext|> |
>tfw you can see your mom is getting older and older>tfw that crippling feeling when you know that one day you will<|endoftext|> |
>17th bday\n>the bois got tired of me being a virgin>they gave a slut at our school\n>they locked us in a room together\n>i give her a hug and tell her \u201cYour better than this\u201d>she cries and gives me a peck in the cheek Crisis avoided and kept my virginity<|endoftext|> |
>be me >over the border racist >sleep with underage niece >hate the British for humiliating my >cool mustache >can give firebomb public speeches >write a book about how my people are oppressed\n>people favor me >rise to power >consider WW2 as the opening of opportunities\n>be Gandhi >pic unrelated <|endoftext|> |
>go to store to pick up pizza\n>about to sign receipt\n>see they circled in 10% tip\n>change it to 0 4 >cashier rolls her eyes, hands me>hear one of them say whisper \u2018wow, did he really put 0\u2019 as I\u2019m walking out<|endoftext|> |
>be me >23 days ago >driving drunk as fuck, run a red light, ram into a fucking cop car at 20 mph>cars are not too damaged >drunk mind is scared as shit >unable to think of a reason, stab myself with my pocket knife before the cop comes>hide knife in glove box >say, \"I had been stabbed officer\" >cop gives me a ride to the nearest hospital<|endoftext|> |
>be me, in mexico to visit friends >not my first rodeo, pickpockets beware >cut hole in pocket, slip dick in hole >take public transport, wait for my mark >there he is, punk w/ sticky fingers >make myself an easy mark, not too obvious >few minutes later, kid tries to lift wallet, touches penis>he knows it, i know it >my face as he looks at me with disqust and he gets off the next step<|endoftext|> |
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